How we become who we are

The factors that go into who we become as individuals vary as much as the weather day to day, but with that said there are the standard things like how we were raised as children, if we experienced any traumas such as the death of a close friend or family member, abuse, and abandonment are among the bigger things.

Are one of these things more significant than the other?  To me, that all depends on what kind of support system was or wasn't in place to help you get through those times.  A young child that was sexually abused and went without treatment, growing into adulthood would likely experience great difficulty later in life.  Take that same child that was abused, but received immediate love, support and counseling would have a better chance at recovering and be able to grow into a high functioning individual.

For me, my parents fought a lot, always emotional assaults on one another, sometimes physical.  We didn't live close to other family and lived in a pretty isolated area so it was difficult as a child to get away from the fighting.  We learn what we live, but as we develop into adults we have to take responsibility for our actions and try not to let the past dictate the future.  That can be easier said than done, particularly if you don't have the tools to know how to keep the past from repeating itself. 

There was a time before my parents marriage ended that we went to family counseling to try and put things back together, but in the end there was no saving something that had become so poisoned.  By that time, I was 16 and learned my own coping skills to survive within the dynamics of my family- most were not healthy for the long term.  I have seen counselors over the years off and on at different points in my life, usually after I have gone through some tough times like a broken relationship or job difficulties.  This past year I attended a FOCUS seminar that was really an eye opening experience for me, and basically helped me realize that despite my best efforts I was actually more like my parents than I realized. 

I guess there are different choices I have made in my life because I thought it was not following in their footsteps.  What I have been discovering is that it just put a different face on the underlying issues.  I have difficulty trusting people, and although I have had a few long term relationships - in the end, things haven't worked out.  Is it me being attracted to the wrong people or do I do things to sabotage the relationships?  Maybe a little bit of both.  I am seeing a psychologist since the FOCUS seminar to help continue peeling back the layers and it has been quite insightful.  She is really good at directing me (without directing me) if that makes any sense.  For example, if I think back to my need for controlling the things around me I had expressed how I felt like I just wasn't able to be productive at work, things were so chaotic and things at home also felt overwhelming with the huge number of projects with the house and property that needed to be done.  One weekend it occurred to me that there were some areas I could work on that I could make progress and restore some sense of order at least at home.  I might not have control of the chaos at work, but I could do something at home.  From there, I found some other small projects that when I finished - it really felt good.  It meant cleaning out the clutter, going through things I no longer needed and even if on a small level restore some order in areas that have otherwise added to that sense of being overwhelmed. 

As long as I can continue to make progress, then learning to be content with the accomplishments I have made has helped to feel a lessening of the load.  Every day is a new day and not every day is going to be great, but not everyday is going to suck either.  It's up to each of us to make it a great one!

Life's little way of making sure you are still paying attention

I have been dealing with a water leak since last weekend.  Last Saturday, I noticed seepage outside and so I called a guy that has done a fair amount of work for me to come fix the problem.  Well, he didn't check the meter after he made the fix, but I did and determined there was still a slight leak.  It appeared to be a small leak, and when I asked him how to convert the reading to gallons used it didn't seem like it was major urgent, and this guy was already committed to a couple other big jobs- so he told me my problem would have to wait until sometime this week.  Something told me to call the water dpt and check to see how much water had been used from the last reading (2 wks ago) from Tuesday and the lady tallied the numbers and told me I had used 25,000 gallons which meant over a $300 water bill.  I about fell off my chair in shock.  My average monthly bill is $40.

The water department said they would send someone out to the house to help troubleshoot where the leak was at so we could try and get it fixed.  There is over 500 ft of pipe going from the meter to the house and other outside structures.  It appears it has been somewhat diagnosed, the opinion was that the leak was not in the house or the lines going up to the house.  So, now we are basically going to have to go back and start at the area we know had the original leak and work from there.

So, what's interesting is I was just talking about trying to control things to have that predictability because predictability means stable or safe (relatively speaking anyways).  You can imagine how panicked a person would be when they are told that they have a huge unexpected bill and the problem causing it isn't even fixed yet.  Lots of emotions take place in these situations because I surely don't have a money tree out back.

After a few hours passed, I was able to try and get a better handle on things and realized I was just going to have to deal with this one step at a time.  What other choice do I have, right?  It too will pass as they say.

It would just be nice to have a longer stretch of calm between each new crisis.  I guess there must be something I need to learn in this experience.

So many things to say, but what to write...

How many of us have secret dreams and desires but never get to realize them or maybe not to the extent they had hoped.  I think that sums up about any human being on this earth.  For me, it involves being able to work at a job I can't wait to jump out of bed to do, writing a book, financial freedom, and finding that "perfect" man who will love me for who I am through the good, the bad and the ugly might be a good starter list. 

Each time I go through a difficult time, it seems I am forced to have to really take a hard look at what got me where in that situation.  Sometimes I could have made different choices and the outcome would not has been so hard to deal with and other times I couldn't control the events from happening, but maybe how I reacted to them might have helped me get through those times with a little less difficulty. 

For me, I like to try to find ways to control my surroundings to avoid that unpredictability that throws us for a loop now and again.  It doesn't keep things from happening, and sometimes it might keep me from experiencing other more joyful things in life.  Some people have the personality type that things will work out and just let things happen and for the most part I guess it does.  They seem happy enough but I'm not sure I could ever just have that amount of faith.  There are always reasons behind the way we think and do what we do.  Another day I will post on my perspectives for why I think I am the way I am.